Seven Long Nights At Camp Blood: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

There probably should have been “My ass!” after the final chapter subtitle, as I don’t know anyone who believed the cash cow was being taken to the slaughter house. Like every good exploitation flick, the F13 movies were cheap and made a good profit. Who would want to stop that? Bueller?

With Steve Miner off to do other things, it was time for a new director, and exploitation movie director extraordinaire, Joseph Zito was brought in. Fresh off The Prowler, an underrated grindsploitation classic, Zito does the best he can, and while Final Chapter is a cut above (see what I did there?) the third entry, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily great, or even good. It is however different, and certainly the best looking of the four. It also sports some well known names, including Peter Barton (who had completed work on Nightmare with Linda Blair), Corey Feldman (who would go on to film The Goonies  the following year, thus keeping him from appearing in the sequel as the main character), and of course Crispi Glover, the Deney Terrio of the F13 franchise.

Much like Part 3, the fourth movie starts almost immediately after the previous. In fact the film opens on the investigation at the cabins, and the ambulances carrying away the dead bodies, and Jason. I should mention, prior to that, is a catching up of what has occurred in the previous movies, you know, because the back story is so rich and detailed it’s easy to get confused. It’s pointless filler, but with the running time at just about 90 minutes, can see why they threw it in. Regardless, we arrive at the morgue with Jason’s body, and the morgue attendant, a horny and serial sexual harasser tries to convince a nurse to spend some time in the cold room. She does this initially, however when Jason’s arm falls off the table, she loses her interest in boning the doc and heads off to do her job. Sadly for the doc, Jason rises and nearly decapitates him with a bone saw. I couldn’t think of a nicer guy to deserve such treatment.

Obviously the nurse is next to get it, and Jason takes off again for the woods.  We then meet this installments fresh meat for the grinder. On the way to Crystal Lake, they see the headstone for Mrs. Voorhees on the side of the road-because where else would you bury the mother of a serial killer? It should have one of those natio0nal park, Views of Interest next to it. If you thought Peter Barton and Crispin Glover would be part of this group, you’re correct. Crispin’s character Jimmy is sort of an awkward loner (totally against type), who hangs with his best friend Ted (played by Larry Monoson of Last American Virgin infamy). Ted is the joker of the group, Barton is the jock, and there’s another guy who is so boring, I forget he’s even in the movie.

Once they get to the cabin, we then meet their neighbors a family of three, Mom, daughter and son. Corey Feldman is the son who has a keen interest in horror movies and makeup.  The next day, the teens next door decide to go skinny dipping because, really, we haven’t seen enough boobs yet. While that is going on Tommy and his sister breakdown in their old POS which is mandatory for living in the woods. They run into a hiker that sis gets the hots for and they bring him back to the house. And what’s Jason doing during all this? I don’t know, they never show what he does in his downtime. (aside from the awful remake in 2009 which I will not review, I love you all but not that much.) Needless to say that since there’s going to be a party that night, you know Jason’s gonna be there to bust a move, furniture, bones, pretty much everything.

At this party Crispin Glover proves he isn’t a dead fuck as his friend referred to him on the trip to the cabin. Ted, said friend, ends up getting high, and acquires a case of blue balls while watching some early 20th century porn. In all honesty I think that would have been more interesting to watch. One by one everyone gets killed, save for Tommy and his sister,

Part four has perhaps my favorite way of Jason being killed. It is so gruesome that even today it makes me squirm, despite the fact iut looks fake as hell. He gets a machete in the head, and when he falls it hits the handle and we see it sliding through his skull, nearly cutting it off. It’s a fantastic effect marred only by the fact that Jason’s makeup looks more like a pull over mask than anything else. Yes it’s suitably deformed, that doesn’t make it scary though

 

In spite of the subtitle, and as I said in the beginning, there was no way this would have been the final movie, as the series was way too profitable for Paramount. The ending was setting up Tommy to take over for Freddy, and that could have happened had Corey Feldman not had to film The Goonies and Gremlins. Let’s be thankful to the powers that be that, that never happened. What came next was so, so much worse, but that’s getting ahead of myself.

The parts of F13 Part 4 are greater than the sum. There are some good scenes, such as Jason’s kill, and of course Crispin Glover’s spastic dancing. Yet the layout of Camp Crystal changes as much as Jason’s makeup-there’s no continuity in either of them really, and where did the second house come from all of a sudden? The world may never know. Needless nitpicking aside, Part 4 isn’t the worst of the bunch to this point, but that’s really not saying much.

Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter get’s 5/10 machetes

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8 Long Nights At Crystal Lake: Friday the 13th Part III in 3D

To the best of my knowledge and recollection, Friday the 13th Part 3 (in 3D!), was the first and only F13 movie I ever saw in a theater; all of the others were on home video. What makes it such a vivid memory was my friend Richard, his brother Rodney and myself went to a midnight showing the weekend it opened (3 days after my 17th birthday). I’d met Richard through Fangoria, and he lived just a mile or two away from me. Our love for horror and especially make up effects for him, gave us a fast, if not especially long friendship. We made a werewolf movie together on his super 8mm camera that had sound, and while the end product was about what you would expect from some teenagers, it was a hell of a lot of fun.

The theater was so packed we couldn’t find seats next to one another, and that was only one of two things which dampened the night. The second was the movie. In spite of us having a lot of fun, and enjoying the 3D, as well as the audience reaction, it’s simply not a very good movie. F13 never aspired to be high art, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be fun, enjoyable flicks. Sadly, one of the most iconic things about the franchise is introduced in this snoozefest, where even some kickass 3D effects can’t save the movie. Steve Miner returns to the director’s chair, and we’re all the worse off for that.

F3D (as I’ll refer to it), takes place immediately after the events of the second movie. We start off with Jason hanging around a general store run by  two rubes Harold and Edna. Harold likes to nibble from packages around the store and put them back on the shelves, while Edna is a knitting and TV watching wunderkind.  In fact when we first see her, she’s watching a news story (with Steve Miner as the anchor), about the murders at Crystal Lake. Jason meanwhile borrows some clothes that were hanging on the clothesline (in spite of the fact he’s much bigger than Harold), and ends up killing them both. Harold gets an ax in the chest after taking a very noisy dump, while Edna gets a knitting needle through the eye.

We then meet this installment’s nubile victims. Chris Higgins and her friends who are all going to her family’s cabin, which just happens to be on Crystal Lake. Not only that, but she was once attacked by Jason and escaped, and this is her first time back since then. We also have her pregnant best friend Debbie, her boyfriend Andy, and Shelley, the pudgy, dumpy comic relief-as well as his blind date Vera. Oh, did I mention the older stoner couple? They’re there too though no one ever tells us why. With Ralph being disposed of in the last movie, we have new town crazy that we meet as he’s laying down in the middle of the road.  He warns them off with an eye he found, that belongs to one of the victims, Charming little bugger, he is.

I suppose the main reason the old stoners are there is for the scene where they have to eat all the dope in the car because the police are behind them with their sirens on. When they pull over the cops pass them. Hahahahahaha, isn’t that funny? Well, it was at midnight in 1982, when I may or may not have been high. As they make their way to the cabin, Shelley, who has a propensity for doing very bad pranks doesn’t like people touching his box of stuff, that has his entire life in it.

Once at the cabin we meet Chris’ ex boyfriend Rick. And as a sidenote, there’s a reason why people named Rick, are called Rick the Prick. This guy is a Harvey Weinstein wannabe. All he wants to do is screw Chris, and gets a little pissy when he doesn’t get his way. I found his death later in the movie to be especially sweet. Shelley pulls one of his pranks which angers everyone, so he schleps off to town with Vera. Once there, they run into some bikers, which concludes with Shelley knocking their bikes down with the car. Feeling a little cocky, he gains some self esteem, but is still a pretty miserable person. His death, when it finally comes is a relief.

The bikers somehow make their way to the house, and all of them end up getting killed in the barn. In fact, the barn becomes more of the center piece of the movie than the house. While it wouldn’t have been my choice, I can understand it as there’s a lot more room to maneuver, especially when you add 3D.

Speaking of which…the 3D effects in this were top notch for the time. Even on the DVD release they still look good. It’s really the only thing that makes watching the movie bearable. Aside from some pacing issues, awful dialogue and cardboard characters, there’s just a lot of stupidity flowing throughout the movie, for instance, Stoner guy has to go to the bathroom, so we see him use an outhouse instead of the perfectly good bathroom in the house. If he couldn’t smoke in the house I could see that, but he could, so it was simply a way to get him off on his own. Stupid.   Another time stoner has to go check the breaker box because the lights went out. The basement is separated from the main house like a bomb shelter. Again, for no other reason than the writer’s weren’t clever enough to think of something which made sense.

The kills in 3 are well done, but nothing special, and aside from one or two, not especially gory. There’s zero tension, and zero atmosphere, and all the scares are cheap jump ones, which is a real step down from the first two. Miner and the writers tried adding a sense of humor ti the movie, and it falls flat, because that’s not needed in an F13 film. Let’s not even talk about the acting. Had it not been for Jason getting his iconic mask after killing Shelley, no one would remember 3 at all.

I give Friday the 13th Part 3 4.5 machetes.

All The King’s Ploughs

As it’s NaNoWriMo time again, I thought I would share something from the piece I’m working on.  This is a bit of an odd one, as what follows will most likely not make into the final product.  What started out as a lighthearted idea, quickly became something a bit darker, more twisted. It seems no matter how much I try, the horrific elements seem to follow me.

Also of note is none of the following has been edited. This is as crude as a draft can be.  I post it because even though I may not use it, I like the scene quite a bit, and thought it made a good opening.

In the Sewers

 

Kharisi skewered the sewer rat with the tip of his iron sword. He watched with more than a little delight as the vermin wriggled, even as its little rat guts clung to the weapon. Kharisi turned and shook it at his dwarven companion. “Didn’t you mention lunch but a moment ago?’

Slate Fistcrunch glared at his companion, and stroked at a long, luxurious beard that was no longer there. Realizing his old habit, he let out a fart in Kharisi’s direction.

“The most sense you’ve made all day Slate.” Kharisi said with a small edge in his voice. He lowered the sword, and with one foot pushed the dead animal off his sword, and stepped on its head, grinding bone and brain beneath his boot. He walked a few paces ahead of his companion, the sound of dripping water echoing off of moss covered walls. “Well dwarf, which way?” Kharisi didn’t look behind him, but could hear the stocky Slate catching up to him.

Slate stood by the elf’s side and looked around. He held out the burning torch in front of him and squinted. They were at a three way intersection and he immediately dismissed the path in front of them as it was barred by an iron grate. To the left was a nothing but a dark shaft, and to the right, he could sense a slight wind and with it the smell of offal. “This way,” he said.

“Lead the way,” Kharisi said, motioning the dwarf to move ahead of him. AS they started to move to the rightward tunnel, Slate stopped, held up a hand, and drew his axe.

“What is it?” Kharisi asked, and the sound of multiple legs scurrying up behind them answered his question. Kharisi laid a hand on the hilt of his sword and he could feel the hairs from the enormous spider brush the back of his neck. He held his breath, his grip tightening on the sword, as the spider started to raise itself up to strike. Kharisi turned, his motion a blur, sword out and plunging into the largest of the six eyes. The spider let out something like a scream which chilled Kharisi to the marrow. It backed away, blood and gore dripping from the wound. Slate not wanting to miss out on the fun, took a short leap and plunged the fire end of the torch in the ruined orbit.

The now flaming spider moved back even further, hissing and spitting phlegm-like wads of venom that sizzled as they hit the damp floor of the sewers. “Kill it you damned useless dwarf!”

Slate grunted, and muttered curses under his breath. He dislodged the torch which managed to remain lit, and replaced it with his axe, chopping away at the spider, avoiding the venom, and still managing to get his by gouts of blood. Not for the first time he cursed the Bards for making the slaughtering of beasts sound so easy. One quick thrust my ass, he thought. As he hacked away He saw Kharisi move swift as the wind to the backside of the spider and climbing on its back, he shoved his sword into its head.  It gave one final squall and slumped, dead as can be.

Kharisi sheathed his sword, jumped down from the corpse and looked down at the dwarf. “All that hack and mucking about wastes too much energy. A deftly placed sword works every time. Ask the Bards.”

Slate grumbled something impolite and put his axe away. He pushed Kharisi out of the way and stormed ahead. As he set off to follow the dwarf, he noticed something glimmer in the muck, and bent down to pick it up-pocketing it before Slate could see.

He smiled and continued on.

 

“How much more of this place is there?” Slate asked. Kharisi gave a small shrug. “After the Arnisian War decimated the country King Saerus’ grandfather ordered these to be built for any emergency or need to escape. They’ve been built upon since, and seeing as how peace reigns-however fleeting-our good King has seen fit to make it a sewer, fit only for vermin and shit.”

Slate looked up at Kharisi, studied the elf’s emerald green eyes that were almost translucent. The alabaster skin only heightened their deep color. “Are you sure? I’ve never seen anyone working on them, or digging.”

“Mages perhaps.”

Slate let out a laugh that was closer to a bark. “As if a mage would sully their precious feet and robes down here.”

Kharisi pondered this for a moment, wondering if at first it was a jab against elves, as most wielded magic. Kharisi could as well, but it was weak-his strong suit had always been that of a Warrior. In spite of race, Kharisi was a few inches taller than most elves, and possessed a physique befitting the Arnisians from the North. A stocky, fierce nation, all but wiped out after King Haveron destroyed it with the use of a mana bomb. Much as he hated to admit it, Slate was probably right-Elven Mages were a rather prissy group.  He sighed and continued walking. “Be that is it may, it changes not one fact that these sewers do seem to be getting bigger. I remember as a boy, when these were first being built, I would come down and practice my swordplay on the rats. There were very few places to go, or hide for that matter, and the rats then were smaller, weaker and far more frightened of me, than I of them.”

They soon reached a dead end, with the only other option to go back. “Did we miss a turn?” Slate asked. He leaned against the stone wall, and when it gave way , he fell back into the opening it had created. Kharisi grabbed the torch that had tumbled from the dwarf’s grip and held it out after extending his arm into the entry just created.

“My my, you’ve earned your gold piece for today my friend.” He patted the top of Slate’s head, who took a not so serious swipe at the elf’s hand.

“All you’ve earned is an ass kicking, now let’s see where this goes.”

Kharisi had to duck to get into the opening, and what they found themselves in wasn’t another corridor, but a large room. In the center was a fire that threw off no smoke. A cauldron sat on the floor next to it, big enough for someone to sit inside. Slate and Kharisi looked at one another, unease enveloping both of them. “Stay close,” Kharisi said in a hushed tone. “Put the torch out,” he added, we don’t want to be too obvious.”

“Like Elder beasts in the plains,” a voice rang out. It sounded old and haggard as if it took everything the owner had just to say that. Both knew not to let their guard down, as Crones were known to be very tricky. “Come, come, I won’t….bite!” A cackle of laughter and a flash of light blinded them briefly and when they could see again there was a shadowy figure next to the cauldron, hunched, withered, and covered with a cowl that had straggles of straw coarse gray hair.

“I said, come.”

The duo found themselves walking towards the elevated platform where the Crone and her pot waited. Despite the chill from the stone walls and Fall weather outside of the walls, sweat began beading on their foreheads, this despite the fact the fire she had going gave off no heat. Slate was the first to climb up the three shallow steps and stood within striking distance of the Crone, though he gave no appearance he would do so.  The Crone eyed Slate, scanning him with an intensity that Kharisi found frightening.  “I’ve no interest in you dwarf!” She said, and with a small flick of her wrist, Slate flung backwards as an unseen force blew him off the altar.

“You, Elf, give to me what is mine,” flames danced in her white blinded eyes. There was a sliver of saliva dripping from the corner of her toothless mouth. The nostrils on her sharp nose twitched with impatience.

“I have nothing for you hag, not even a stiff wand for you to fondle.”

“Hag?” she cried, her stooped posture stretching itself out until she stood straight and tall. “Watch your tongue Elf! You killed my precious Eolanda, then stole the ring I gave to her. Tread carefully. Hand it to me and you may even live.”

Kharisi had no doubt she was serious, and while Crones weren’t necessarily good, they never went out of their way to harm a stranger. That was until Kharisi met this crone, whose heart was as black as the robes she wore. Must be very important if she’s threatening. Must not let her have it then. “Perhaps in your old age you’ve forgotten things, it happened to my grandmother. Besides, why would you give a ring to a spider?

“That is not yours to know.  Give me the ring.” Her voice was cold and frosty.  Kharisi stood there, unmoving, barely blinking.

“Once more, I know nothing about it.”

“Liar! I saw you pocket it, look into the cauldron as instructed, and saw the fight with the spider on the oily surface. He watched as Slate kept chipping away and Kharisi snuck around to deal the final blow. He saw himself pocket the plain looking ring and catch up to Slate.

Kharisi refused to admit his thievery and remained silent. He put his hand in his pocket and closed his fist around the jewelry. As he pulled his hand out, Kharisi opened his hand, showing the ring on his sweat slick palm. The crone snatched for it but was too slow, as Kharisi moved his hand then unclenched his fist to show the ring had disappeared.

“Enough games,” the crone said with a quiet voice. “That ring is mine and I want to have it.” From within the sleeve of her robe she pulled out a gnarled branch of a wand, and pointed it at Kharisi. A thin blue beam of light pulsed from the stick and sent a wave of cold over Kharisi’s body, he could feel his toes starting to freeze to the point he was unable to wiggle them. His teeth chattered, as his torso shivered. Kharisi’s eyes began to burn as he couldn’t blink, and the tears which tried to fall became little shards of ice. As he tried to close his mouth, his jaw froze in an O position, which he thought would bring no shortage of amusement to anyone who might see.

The Crone moved closer and the cold became stronger. She cackled and was so intent on Kharisi, that she hadn’t noticed Slatesneaking around behind her, axe held high. “That’ll be enough of that!” he said, and swung horizontally, cutting the Crone’s head clean from her body. The head flew through air, as the body crumbled to the floor. Her wand fell to the ground, bounced and hit Kharisi between his now thawing legs. In almost an instant, his bulge grew and distorted the front of his leggings. Slate pretended not to notice and grabbed the wand but it crumbled in his hand leaving nothing but shavings.

You had the ring all this time and said nothing? Slate said, his face turning red as much from anger as embarrassment.

“I had a ring. But it’s so plain I had no idea it was the one we were searching for.” He made no attempt to hide his engorgement, though he was still feeling the effects of the Crone’s freezing spell, he may not have even noticed were it not for the fact Slate kept glancing at his. Kharisi looked down and grinned. “Apparently something is still frozen. Care to warm it up?’

Slate gave him a look of disgust and turned away. “Let’s just get out of here,” he said, walking away. Kharisi remained quiet and followed, kicking the Crone’s bloody head out of the way out of spite.

Phobophobia

 

Several weeks ago my friend Joe made a mock up cover using a photo I had played with on my phone. The title, Phobophobia, was his idea. The only problem was, I didn’t have anything I was writing that might fit the title.  I liked his idea for the cover a lot, and put it on the back burner as I continued working on Lonely Are The Dead.

As it so happens, progress on LATD began to become a fight to get anything written. I sort of know where I want to go, but the ending has been eluding me. Everytime I would open the file, I’d stare, and edit what I’d already written, but couldn’t-and still can’t-figure out the right ending. The one I had in mind would serve its purpose of tying the tale up, but it’s not one I’m happy with.

 

And then last night in a conversation on facebook, Joe asked me if I was working on anything new. I had a couple of ideas for a short story for the next Fossil Lake anthology, but instead I wrote, “I have an idea for my next one, which I kind of got from that phobophobia cover you did. Lots of bugs, boils, and a serial killing priest.” Thus surprised me as I did have an idea involving bugs and boils, but the serial killing priest was a new element. However, it intrigued me, and I started thinking about it. I went to bed, and when I woke up this morning I knew how the first chapter would go. I banged it out in about an hour, and very happy with the results.

As I was writing it, I was struck with another inspiration: I would not only connect it with Barbed Wire Kisses, but also introduce the main character in LATD, psychic detective Napoleon Santierre.  What follows is part of the first chapter from Phobophobia. A one sentence synopsis would be: Father Rossi is a serial killer priest who chooses his victims based on his phobias, and Santierre, with the help of his victims and other ghosts sets out to uncover and stop him.

 

As always this is coprighted by myself and none may be used or excerpted without my express permission. Enjoy.

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Phobophobia

One:

Our Lady of Perpetual Dispensation

 

Father Rossi sat in the confessional, and wiped sweat from his smooth upper lip. He could feel it beading on his hairless scalp, and felt it trickle down his brow. Some errant droplets slid down into his eyes, stinging them. When that happened he would push the frames of his bifocals up and wipe at the tear ducts with a dainty finger. Even with his thin frame, the confessional was cramped, and with the air conditioning on the fritz, and claustrophobia beginning to kick in, hearing the sins of his parishioners seemed unbearable.

Not for the first time, Rossi pictured himself as the Lord wandering through the desert,. Dried, on the verge of bleeding skin buffeted by hot wind. as sand ripped at the flesh and blinding him at the same time. Arizona was no place to be without working air conditioning, particularly in the summer. Rossi sighed and opened the door. It had been almost fifteen minutes since the last sinner had bleated their litany of crimes against God, and he wasn’t surprised to find the church empty. The only noise to pierce the quiet was the repairman on the roof tending to the cooling units.

The priest took his walking stick which was leaning against the flimsy panel that separated him from the confessor and stepped into the oppressive heat of Our Lady of Immaculate Dispensation. He surveyed the small area as he always did when he finished his obligation, and wondered, again, as he always did, what he’d ever done to be placed in such an unremarkable, almost forgotten parish. The wooden pews were ancient, even when he’d arrived almost a decade prior, and almost unbearable to sit on for any length of time. The hymnals, on the rare times they raised their voice in song, were tattered. Pages were missing, and indeed, so were some of the covers. What remained of them had yellowing pages with fading ink. Rossi had continually asked for the funds from the Bishop to renovate or at the very least replace the hymnals but his requests had always been rebuffed. “Tough times, declining numbers, maybe another time…” is all he heard. When Rossi heard the Bishop was driving a new Lincoln town car he stopped asking.

The priest walked up the aisle, eyes focused on the altar and the large crucifix attached to the back wall. The eyes of a Christ in agony seemed to follow him. He knelt before the creaking altar, genuflected, and jumped as the sound of something crashing came from above. Rossi looked up and saw some of the plaster floating down like dirty snow. “What in blazes?” he said under his breath. He turned around, marched down the center of the church and opened the front doors and was accosted by the ruthless heat and blazing sun. Rossi for once ignored the weather, and walked around the wood and stone building to the back. There was a rickety wooden stairwell that led to the roof, as well as the bell tower though there hadn’t been a bell in place since the late 1800’s. Holding his cane in one hand and grabbing the splinter laden banister with the other, Father Rossi climbed up what was essentially a fancy ladder and peered over the Spanish tile roof top.

“Everything okay?”

 

There was no response. Rossi set his cane down on the edge of the roof, careful to not let it fall over. He pulled up the hem of his cassock so as not to trip on it and set a foot on the roof. With great care so he didn’t go falling off either, he pulled his other foot onto the fragile terra cotta shingles and held out his hands to gain his balance. After a moment, he made his way to the middle where the rusty evaporative cooler sat like a malignant growth, and saw the repairman straining to lift it back onto the metallic shelf it had fallen from.

“Need a hand?” he asked.

The repairman looked up, eyes hidden behind a pair of 99 cent store sunglasses. “About six of them.”

Rossi gave a slight smile, and bent down on his haunches, and the repairman waved him away. “No need, this ain’t going anywhere, ‘cept maybe through this roof if we mess with it.” He stood, and offered a hand to help the priest up. Rossi accepted the help, and heard his knees pop as he stood. He reached into the slit in the side of his cassock, and pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket. Rossi wiped the sweat from his face, and ran it around the damp collar.

“I’d give this last rites father. It’s done for.” He then went on to explain everything that was wrong, and how he might be able to get parts, but no guarantees as this model was so old, and should have been replaced years ago. Rossi nodded, a fake smile amidst a darkening face. He would nod, and give an “I see,” once in awhile, but all he could think of was the sweat.

The soiled clothing, the wet skin, and the bacteria that could form in the excretion. While no doctor, he knew that sweat could be cesspools for any kind of bug and cause ringworm, illness, and God knew what else.

No, I’ll have none of that, he thought. Rossi processed all he’d been told and concluded that despite its age, the cooler could be fixed, but the repairman didn’t want to. Already he was gathering up his tools, and placing them in a canvas bag, his work here done. What the priest saw was a lazy sinner only intent on sending Mother Church a hefty bill for doing absolutely nothing except get a tan.

The repairman zipped up the bag, grabbed it by the handle and made his way to the staircase. He noticed the can laying on the roof, and bent to pick it up. He gripped it by the bottom and offered the handle end to the priest. Rossi took it and held firm. Before the repairman could release it, Rossi gave a hard shove, throwing the worker off balance. He yanked his cane away and poked him in the chest sending him back and over the side of the church. Rossi heard the satisfying sound of his skull cracking on an exposed rock.

Rossi climbed down, careful to fall himself, and when he reached the bottom, stood over the repairman. Blood and gore leaked from the open wound, as his eyes fluttered in his sockets and his limbs twitched. He stepped over the soon to be dead man in search of a glass of water.

Then maybe he’d use the phone in his rectory.

Writing Updates

Those who follow me on twitter or facebook know some of this, but for those who don’t, (and why not?), here’s an update on what I’m working on.

 

BWK_Audio_Design

You may notice that it says narrator. Yes, Barbed Wire Kisses is an audiobook! Or will be, in about 10-14 business days. My narrator Wayne Messmer did an incredible job, and I can’t wait for everyone to hear it! Details on where and how to get it will be posted as soon as it goes live.

perversionB

With another great cover by Joseph K. Adams, this is a compilation of my John Waters essays from talkbacker.com. I’ve gone in and reedited them, and in some cases added more material.  There’s a great foreword by Nick NIghtly and an introduction by myself. This is in the end stages of editing and formatting, and will be available as an ebook in mid July.

 

And last but not least there’s:

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My original intention was to have this out by mid summer. As with all plans, it’s not going to work out that way. I’ve had problems with getting an ending I’m satisfied with, and while it’s very close, it;s just not where I want it to be. My plan is for a Fall release. Possibly Halloween.  I know people are excited to read this, and I apologize for the delay, but I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

 

I’m also going to be working on a story for the next Fossil Lake anthology, as well as a radio play about H.P. Lovecraft. And of course there’s the articles at talkbacker.

I thank each and everyone of you for your support, and hope you enjoy everything I do.

Mike Brendan: Troll Hunter

After a lovely two week respite from the mangy, flea infested Nikita, our little troll has come back with a 19 page (!) .pdf file explaining  why his collection of whining and egomania isn’t libelous.  While I never link to his silliness, I will in this case, as it’s breathtaking in its hypocrisy, delusions, and typical lack of coherence. http://unclefossil.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/in-defense-of-confessional.pdf

Want to save time and brain cells? Mike Brendan did a fantastic job of slaying the troll. What follows is posted with his permission and taken from the comments on the rectal fissure’s blog.

Nicky, this 19-page vomit continues to prove that you are incompetent as a writer. You’d have to work hard for years to become a tenth of a peer to anyone else, and since you don’t know how to actually work…

The HWA didn’t commit libel when they called you a stalker. You used their membership database to harass and bully people who criticized your work.

“…publication is a democracy for the people by the people.” Wrong again. And a democracy is “by the people, for the people,” not the way you said it.

“…the deed of posting every link to every story in the table of contents of my first
anthology…” That’s not illegal or piracy and you damn well know it Nicky.

“– I consider myself an average Joe…” Wrong again, Nick. You are well below average in every respect.

“…the characters in the story are in a way like the people I know in real life.” And given that they’re naught more than cardboard cut-outs with no personality, it just goes to show how you regard people in general.

“…The Pacione Collective actually put the hammer on her…” Your “Collective” consists of you and your imaginary allies. And, no, you haven’t put the hammer on anyone. In fact, your hateful actions actually help their sales.

“…then make fun of the people who actually enjoy it…” Stop deflecting, Nicky. These comments are directed at you and you alone. Take your criticism like a man, not a man-child.

“…hiding behind the mask of being a Christian to tear someone down…” You’ve directed this sentiment at me many times in the past. What’s the matter, too much a coward to call me out by name?

“The reason I was thrown off LiveJournal.com in 2003″ — is because you made many TOS violations.

“I did not lie about certain blurbs…” Yes, you did. Joe Lansdale refuted you on that one, and his integrity far outweighs yours.

“I nearly went looking for him and so I could toss the amoral faggot over the North Avenue Bridge.” I doubt you could lift a bag of dog food without a struggle…

“… I did turnabout and suggested he got excited touching…” That’s neither turnabout or an elaborate “fuck you.” THAT, is libel, plain and simple.

“If I was a racist, I wouldn’t have six authors of color…” That defense never works, especially when called one person’s kid a mongrel and another person a “wetback.”

“…I want to up and beat the shit out of them…” but you never do anything to “males” because you’re a flaccid coward who couldn’t pound cookie dough. Nicky. Yet you’ll harass women who say the same things about you constantly. Typical sexist bullying behavior.

“Well I am extremely cultured as a doctor of internal medication…” He’s probably referring to whatever is brewing in that toxic waste dump you call a mouth, as you never practice hygiene. You have no sense of artistic aesthetic at all. No culture either…

“…I need to be locked away under doctor’s care, heavily medicated and decades of therapy….” You really do, ya know.

“…those devotees you have are going to abandon you.” Not because of anything you wrote, most likely because they won’t read it.

“…refuse to be denied my proper due…” You have to earn it Nicky. You’ve yeot put in the work.

“Well to be polite here…” You don’t know how to be polite.

“The response to CONFESSIONAL, as some of you called it “libel,”” — And it is, in every. Legal. Sense of the word.

“As in I invoked a Holy War…” You have to be pious and holy to invoke that. You are neither. Nor are you a leader to be able to do such.

“…is like a 40 year old picking on a 16 year old on a social networking site.” You fail to understand perspective and age ratios. You’re in your thirties now. Calling you a liar and a lousy writer is nothing like bullying a child. Grow up.

“…my intelligence is in full display here –” this is true. You are very much acting like a person with the 79 IQ you once bragged about.

” I will be tempted to put your e-mail address on she-male hook-up sites being your future wife will be a fucking lady-boy.” You make these threats and never follow through on them. Of course most of these sorts of adult sites send confirmation emails to make sure no fraud is being committed, so double fail on you Nicky.

“As I am an Edgar Allan Poe vein author…” No. You’re not.

“I don’t like replying in comments on my blog because I like to put a lot thought into
what I am going go say…” Since when? You just delete the comments you don’t like and spew drivel at will. Stop lying, Nicky.

“…formality is too damn stuffy and makes me uncomfortable.” No, you just don’t have manners.

“Consider this as a warning – if you get this book pulled, there will be a huge backlash upon the part of groups who are diagnosis with a mental illness or have an intellectual disability as you are attacking these groups with threatening to have the book pulled.” There will be no such backlash. Getting your so-called “book” yanked for libel only reflects on you. Again you try and fail to deflect.

“… I will take this story to the press.” Another empty threat. Not like they’ll do anything with it.

“I am selective who I do an interview with.” Translation: “WAAAAH! No one interviews me.”

“Did I piss you off here? ” No.

“– it would be a perfect day for a hanging, and you are going to be on the receiving end of the gallows.” Another threat of violence, Nicky?

“I am the living breathing entity of what inspires a bad boy” No, you’re just a filthy man-child.

“…well I am detailed when it comes to writing a brawl…” Uh… no you’re not. You couldn’t write a fight scene to save your life.

“Calling a published author a plagiarist is just like calling an African-American the n-word.” Wrong. Again.

“…you fucking traitor as you peed on the First Amendment. ” You know nothing about the First Amendment. Or the Bible.

“I don’t threaten to go after the houses of your families…” You threatened to come to my house and cut off my hands once. I sent a copy of the email to St. Joe’s…

“picture palace” Who even uses this phrase any more???

“So I refute the bastards who say, “I can’t edit.” ” They’re right.

“So those of you who are saying I have no creativity –” are spot on.

“… , you lost the right to be called an adult.” You’ve yet to act like one yourself…

“He goes and bit-torrents child pornography.” More libel!

” I am published and been published respectively…” Never professionally, though.

“… I am calling that going old school.” Because you to learn anything new.

“…like what people did with Napster in 2001-2002 where they got ill-gotten copies of Metallica’s I Disappear.” Which is well after the song got released, so the demo tape analogy fails.

“Writing science fiction, for me doing it – I still consider it a parlor trick.” As someone with an actual education in writing SF, I can say you know NOTHING about working in that genre.

“I actually learned how to do this from reading a martial arts magazine – reading actually taught me how to fight” As someone with an actual black belt in Karate, I can say you know NOTHING about martial arts. Go to a dojo, don a white belt and put sweat on the floor for a few years before calling yourself an expert. (At least I know that as Shodan, my studies in karate are just beginning).

“Instead of pounding someone, as I am older – I use traits of an investigative journalist to fight back.” Meaning you’re too much a coward to face anyone in combat.

“My practice of not infringing on someone’s written content or stealing someone’s artwork” — is bullshit considering you lifted a photo from National Geographic and got busted for it.

“I like to play the role where I have the voice of reason.” That has yet to happen. You wouldn’t know reason if it fell on your face and wriggled.

“If those who got an ill-gotten copy of this…” How is it ill gotten if you made it this 19-page spew available in public for free?

“Intellectual theft and piracy can sometimes be grounds for a Jihad.” Wrong again. They are legal issues, not religious. But then again, you don’t even understand the religion you claim to follow.

“…I am not going to repeat myself…” You do that all the time, especially in this doc.

“Still think I am a fucking imbecile now?” Yes. You prove it every time you post…

“…I just took you out with the trash without even taking a physical swing at you.” No, you only think you did.

“…you are entitled to my viewpoint,” Wrong again. *I* am entitled to *my* viewpoint. *You* are entitled to *your* viewpoint.

Like I said. This is proof that you no writer, nor a peer.

Well done, Mike! And thank you for saving me from the nausea!

Wilf Nelson: New Author To Watch For

earth

One of the reasons I like Google+ so much is being able to discover new authors, talk to them and have a level of interaction that I don’t get from Facebook or twitter (and endless self promo spamming doesn’t count as an interaction). Wilf Nelson is one such author. I was very impressed with his intelligence, and love for writing, and when I learned he had a book coming out, I wanted to take an opportunity to interview him. What follows was conducted via email over hte past couple of days,

 Tell us about yourself

I am a psychology student at the university of Birmingham My scientific, logical passion is psychology and researching the mind; my creative passion is writing novels, making stories people enjoy and figuring out new ways to tell stories or themes. I love films and video games as well as books because they offer a more visual and sometimes more interactive art for people. When it comes to books I love the old Victorian science fiction as well as Fitzgerald and Ian McEwan to name a few.
 What can you tell us about your novel, 3 days to Earth?
It is a bit of a satire of how paranoid science fiction and crime novels can be. The blurb is the best way to get a quick view of the book, not to mention the 10% freeavailable on the Kindle store.

“3 days on Earth looks at a world we all know, a post apocalyptic disaster with the world scarred, the population crippled and aliens making contact. But it is not the end, the aliens called the Helpers rebuild the world for us and let us live in a beautiful world of tomorrow capable of supporting the millions of those blind after the radiation bloom from Earth’s destruction.

The story follows Mark Trayler, a detective versed in burglaries and household arguments, now having to solve the first murder in twenty years. With the world watching him for the answers Mark becomes one of the most important figures in the world

What drew you to science fiction as opposed to other genres?

My stepfather when I was young was the only one up as early as me on the weekends. He would watch doctor who omnibus as well as old or cult science fiction films. Once i was a bit older i began to read H.G. Wells, H. Beam Piper, Harry Harrison, Edgar Rice Burroughs. These authors showed me the future and what we were heading towards, but also how to solve the problems and if it is humanity’s nature. So when i found myself wanting to write about people, the fear of aliens, the fear of the apocalypse it felt like a natural choice.

Who are some of your favourite writers?

I guess I’ve mostly answered this but H.G. Wells, Ian McEwan, Fitzgerald. These writers create very fun, very clever novels where you have to pick apart the narrator not just the plot. Also they write (spare Ian McEwan) very short novels most of the time that I can read on the weekends between finishing one book I’m writing and starting another.

What do you hope to readers will take away from 3 days on Earth?

That literature doesn’t have to be dark to be interesting, that the villain doesn’t have to enjoy or even want to do what they are doing and really just to enjoy the nice parts of the books as they make you smile while the dark parts only make you sad in the end.

 What are you currently working on?

My new book doesn’t have a name right now. It is about an ‘Oxfam’ like company in the future where instead of going to countries in distress they go to times of distress. It is set in the Black Death where they are handing out painkillers and muscle relaxants secretively to help. It is not done for profit nor did the company cause the Black Death as friends and family have guessed; just people trying to help others. There is more but for now that is all i want to say.

Is 3 Days On Earth a stand alone novel, or the beginning of a series? Will it be ebook only or are there plans foe a paperback copy?
3 days on earth is not a stand alone book. It’s sequel is the Clockwork Men that will be out this winter
As for the paperback both 3 days on earth and clockwork men will have a paperback version on amazon by the end of the year. If you cannot get the book on kindle it will be on other ebook formats within a fortnight.

 Where can readers pick up your book?

Right now it is available on a kindle or kindle ready devices such as iOS (apple products) and Android devices.

U.S. Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/3-Days-Earth-Ambassador-ebook/dp/B00FC6V498/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380077983&sr=8-1&keywords=wilf+nelson

UK Amazon

http://www.amazon.co.uk/3-Days-Earth-Ambassador-ebook/dp/B00FC6V498/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1379794199&sr=1-1&keywords=3+days+on+earth